Sunday, December 11, 2005Y
mmmmm
who am i? ha. ha. ha. everytime i'm acting cheerful and deep.. n actually i'm neither this nor that.. i lie to myself.. and every1.. u're not lookin at me everytime u see me.. u're lookin at the mask i always put on my face.. no matter what i say or do.. i said that or did that because.. i don't want ppl to look at me differently.. i act according to what i see in different situations.. i'm oh so fake..
how can i possibly laugh n joke everytime when i'm with friends.. when all i do at home is flare at my parents or siblings.. i try to act all knowing n emotional because of all the stuff i watch.. whether it's from drama or anime.. actually i'm just a hypocrite.. i read the stuff i read on my blog.. they're just too shallow.. i feel like closin this whole thing down..
how have i grown in any way when i'm still acting so immature.. in truth.. i care too much abt how others look at me.. even i try to act indifferent.. even though their opinion shouldn't affect me.. goshhhhhhhh.. i hate myself.. my selfish, lazy, horrible, fake self.. if ever.. someones needs my help will i help them with all my heart.. ot i'd just complain in the bottom of my heart.. such things happen so often in my life..
so yeahh.. i shld just change my temperament.. i saw somewhere.. that u show ur worst sides to ur family cos u know that.. they're the ones who will forgive u no matter what u did.. and always accept u.. family is so important in one's life don't you think..
i wish there's someone out there who treasures me more than anything.. is that much to ask? there's no1 who thinks of me b4 anyth else.. is it selfish to ask for just this 1 think.. but i know.. friends will not be forever.. no matter how many times u write that in bday cards or autograph books.. they're only passing phase in ur life.. no matter how i try to convince myself.. they won't be here for me everytime.. might as well.. they don't have to look at my "mask" rite?
i wish.. 20 yrs in the future.. i'd look back.. n think: ahhhh those days are certainly happy times... but.. will the sky 20yrs later be still the same? will the ppl who're in my life now be still the same? will i still be the same? i shldn't dream..
-my world has collapse.. will i find back the courage to build it up from scratch.. or.. shld i try.. and live in the same world as others..-
7:04 PM
